PMS and Huberman can work miracles... Ron Huberman to bring performance management to Chicago White Sox?
[Editor's Note: As Chicago Public Schools people know, "Performance Management" can solve everything, anywhere. Just ask Ron Huberman, Monique Bond, or Sarah Kremsner (who combine to cost the taxpayers more than a half million dollars per year in pay and benefits, even though none of them knows anything about teaching, the education of children, or...) The following SATIRE (yes, for some readers, that has to be noted) was sent to Substance by a friend, and we want to share it now, hopefully with the approval of that friend.
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Will Ron Huberman take Ozzie's job as his next career move? Stay tuned.Benny Jay called yesterday to tell me that The Third City needed to “lawyer up” in a hurry. He said he couldn’t really talk about it over the phone, but he strongly suggested that it had to do with “certain promises” Big Mike may have made to Blago and Mayor Daley during their recent meeting at the Diplomat Motel.
The long and short of it is this: Benny offered me the job of general counsel for The Third City. Gigs like this don’t come around too often, so I jumped at the chance.
Once I was on board, the first thing Benny wanted to know was whether I had “anything on Daley that might be helpful.”
It turned out to be Benny’s lucky day. One of the guys in my Friday night poker game is an FBI agent who also happens to be a die-hard White Sox fan. Last Friday night, the cards weren’t falling his way, and my agent friend quickly became a miserable son-of-a-bitch. To make matters worse, his White Sox had just dropped three out of four games to the sorry Detroit Tigers, and the North Siders around the poker table were all too happy to let him have it.
That’s when my buddy from the Bureau exploded. He started into some crazy talk about Daley and Reinsdorf on a wiretap.
He’d only had a couple of beers, but I still couldn’t believe the shit I was hearing. After a few minutes, I called him out on it. Turns out the guy wasn’t making it up. He walked out to his car and came back with a big black binder filled with wiretap transcripts. Unbelievable.
Wednesday, September 8 – 9:42 a.m.
Unknown Assistant: Mr. Reinsdorf – Mayor Daley is holding for you on Line 1.
Jerry Reinsdorf: I’ll take it in here. Thanks. (Reinsdorf picks up the call.) Rich, how are you?
Mayor Daley: I’m great, Jerry — just counting the days until retirement.
Reinsdorf: Excellent. So what can I do for you today?
Daley: Another year with no playoffs, Jerry. I love this city and I love this team, but I think it’s time for Ozzie to move on.
Reinsdorf: Ozzie’s my guy, Rich.
Daley: It’s 2010, Jerry. You need a manager — a guy who can really manage an organization. Do you hear me?
Reinsdorf: Let me guess — you’ve got just the guy.
Daley: Ron Huberman.
Reinsdorf: Rich, I love you like a brother, but you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Huberman doesn’t know a damn thing about baseball. He’d get eaten alive out here.
Daley: Jerry, Jerry – you’re missing the point. He doesn’t need to know anything about baseball. He’s a MA-NA–GER — he MA-NA-GES. The guy can manage anything — a deli, a nightclub, a school system. I don’t know how he does it. He just does it.
Reinsdorf: Rich, I can’t . . .
Daley: Listen, Jerry, times are changing. Managing today isn’t about knowing when to hit-and-run. Ron says it’s all about data. It’s Powerpoints and algorithms and budget cuts. Ron’s a genius, Jerry.
Reinsdorf: Rich, I’m sure the guy’s a mensch, and, believe me, nothing would make me happier than to be the Major League owner who breaks baseball’s “gay Israeli barrier,” but I can’t do it. The guy is . . . .
Daley: Trust me on this one, Jerry. Huberman’s a sure thing. Listen, do you think he knows the first thing about educating inner city kids? Of course, he doesn’t. But you’ve seen the way he’s been managing the hell out of CPS. Manager of the year, for my money. Maybe even better than Duncan was. And look where Arne ended up.
Reinsdorf: Rich, I’ve got . . .
Daley: Do you think Ron knew a blessed thing about trains and buses? Hell, no. But, boy, did he manage that CTA. I’m just sayin’ . . .
Reinsdorf: The fans would run me out of town, Rich.
Daley: Wrong, Jerry. Sox fans are smart. Once they start to understand how Performance Management works, they’ll be . . .
Reinsdorf: Performance Management?
Daley: It’s powerful stuff, Jerry. I’m not sure that I even understand it. Let’s just say Ron and his people have a lot of great stuff on their laptops. Stuff that can help you. Stuff that can help the team. He said they can leverage certain synergies and . . .
Reinsdorf: Rich, with all due respect . . .
Daley: Did I mention the guy was also a cop?
Reinsdorf: Rich, I’ve got to go. Kenny Williams is on Line 2.
Looks like Benny Jay’s going to have a little something to talk about with the Daley brothers the next time the old gang gets together over at the Diplomat Motel. Who knows? If Reinsdorf doesn’t install Huberman as the next White Sox manager, Daley still has six months to do to U.S. Cellular Field what he did to Meigs Field….
By Dr. Matt
By: Denise Sullivan
Makes sense to me...
Makes sense to me!